this year has been the year of losses... its been sad yet grateful i survived in the world to age 26 before i felt the pain of loss... is that true though? i had lost before not by death but an equal heart-ache. My brother wasn't always around and we weren't always close that in itself was a crime. My uncle whom had watched me from birth and had relished the joy of watching me grow i dismissed at the idea of not growing as a man. Until this year....
this year has brought pain and challenge to my heart and soul but above all has taught be to heal and accept through actions.
Puerto Rico this year was different then any other. Not because of the excursions and adventures of exploring the island but because i explored the island with my loved ones whom not only loved me but loved themselves enough to change for the better.
My brother has continued to grow into a man i can respect and turn to. One vivid memory plays over and over in my head watching my brother calmy and patiently walk my aunt to the car place her in the seat and shut the door. he walked at her pace he moved when she moved. He didn't even so much as look around to be in a rush; he took his time because he wanted to. That was just one display he showed of having matured into a beautiful young man. His energy was positive, his attitude excited and ready for adventure and his heart open as his mind to soak up the traditions and heritage we ever so long to learn about. My brother showed he was a man. He showed me that the years i longed for are present that he was my friend, my companion and my supporter. He turned to me a told me he was happy and grateful i afforded him the opportunity to come and i hope he knows when i looked into his eyes i read his soul. I read his love and that was thanks enough for me..... It was what all 3 of my parents would want and it was what the 2 of us needed for ourselves no one else.i could write about him forever but i will hold off as im sure nhe will continue to amaze me in life...
I have to admit the experience with my uncle was equally as dynamic and earth shattering. That a man in his 40s could be reborn. This was a man i initially didn't invite but one whom placed the tone on how i will continue to explore through life. My uncle faced his problem head on with his head and his heart and he took only him self and his addiction as a prisoner. He relished in the idea of gaining his life back and well he did just that. He experienced puerto Rico in a fashion he never had. He shared that new born exploration with the kids he watched grow up. With the children he longed to have their acceptance and well he received it.
They say people want sons because there is no greater joy then watching him become a man. A man though isn't an action you achieve by birth, its often a word to describe the gender of male and that's wrong, A man is a male whom is motivated and a male whom can grow and achieve greatness. Being a man isn't something your born its something you grow into. For me I lost 2 men this year and watch 2 males become men in front of me. And although my brother and my uncle may have displayed these common acts in front of others to me to watch these displays of affection and the feel the love was maybe something that hit me like a punch from lenox lewis.
i look forward to growing these memories
Friday, September 23, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
preperations
you can only prepare your mind heart body and soul for so much in life. You prepare your mind for work or school by studying and reading, prepare for sports with practice and you prepare your soul for good by treating people the way you want to be treated. Can you truly prepare your HEART??
When you get stuck by cupid and fall in LOVE you never are aware who that person is going to be or when its going to happen thats why they say don't look for it. When your on a witch hunt for love you come up as short as looking for a tear drop in the ocean...... When heart break comes it hits you like a brick wall you didn't see in front of you. There isn't a way to prepare for the burning sensation in your stomach or the empty pit in your chest. Heart ache just BURNSSS and when you think about it your chest goes up in flames as though to add gasonline to a fire.... Can you prepare for Love to end???
They say life ends loving doesn't and thats oh so very true but does the broken heart sting less if you were prepared? I'm going to say YES... because I want to believe YES so i am putting the energy in the atmosphere to be YES!! This week has been a tough one lots of changes with the passing of Mr. Kalin but one thing that hasn't changed is how devoted to him Mrs. Kalin has been... I keep writing about it but its surrounding me. In a time where i question true love and emortal happiness she keeps proving to me it exists. they reached 50 years Lyndsay hopes her and Chris go all 50 I know they will. Love is a funny emotion and the heart is a sensative organ. Love is hard and rock solid and a heart if fragil and tempermental. But newlyweds or the tenured have a glow about them when its real. Because when its real its neverending..... Mrs. Kalin kept every promise and granted every wish honnoring ever last vow just the way Lyndsay will and one day i will... the same goes for those who dont put the vows on paper.. Cause Mom and Darryl they have that rock hard love the heavy metal kind i guess mixed with salsa.
Mrs. Kalin has smiled every day and for every tear she shed she has smiled again showing that the love doesn't end.. the pain burns and its empty but she is filled with memories and surrounded by people that love her. She had a fullfilling marriage and met the man she spent forever with in highschool and they watched each other grow up.. Not many people can say that.. I sure no i won't but No matter when you meet your macth the important thing is to know that growing old together is compromise and love is sacrafice and is never ending..... xoxox
When you get stuck by cupid and fall in LOVE you never are aware who that person is going to be or when its going to happen thats why they say don't look for it. When your on a witch hunt for love you come up as short as looking for a tear drop in the ocean...... When heart break comes it hits you like a brick wall you didn't see in front of you. There isn't a way to prepare for the burning sensation in your stomach or the empty pit in your chest. Heart ache just BURNSSS and when you think about it your chest goes up in flames as though to add gasonline to a fire.... Can you prepare for Love to end???
They say life ends loving doesn't and thats oh so very true but does the broken heart sting less if you were prepared? I'm going to say YES... because I want to believe YES so i am putting the energy in the atmosphere to be YES!! This week has been a tough one lots of changes with the passing of Mr. Kalin but one thing that hasn't changed is how devoted to him Mrs. Kalin has been... I keep writing about it but its surrounding me. In a time where i question true love and emortal happiness she keeps proving to me it exists. they reached 50 years Lyndsay hopes her and Chris go all 50 I know they will. Love is a funny emotion and the heart is a sensative organ. Love is hard and rock solid and a heart if fragil and tempermental. But newlyweds or the tenured have a glow about them when its real. Because when its real its neverending..... Mrs. Kalin kept every promise and granted every wish honnoring ever last vow just the way Lyndsay will and one day i will... the same goes for those who dont put the vows on paper.. Cause Mom and Darryl they have that rock hard love the heavy metal kind i guess mixed with salsa.
Mrs. Kalin has smiled every day and for every tear she shed she has smiled again showing that the love doesn't end.. the pain burns and its empty but she is filled with memories and surrounded by people that love her. She had a fullfilling marriage and met the man she spent forever with in highschool and they watched each other grow up.. Not many people can say that.. I sure no i won't but No matter when you meet your macth the important thing is to know that growing old together is compromise and love is sacrafice and is never ending..... xoxox
Friday, June 3, 2011
there is that word again
Im back again with more thoughts i didn't really complete my thoughts the other night and now after watching oddly enough some reality tv some more emotions have surfaced. I should preface this with it's a friday night with perfect weather in NYC and yeah I'm home blogging watching my DVR... i am NOT WINNING! This is a tough city to be single in especially if your living on a budget and well student loans and vacationing are my passion so I spend extra nights at home to spend extra nights on beaches.
LOVE your everywhere yet something that people act like its no where. I'm watching this show and the woman and her husband havn't been intimate in 2 years, they are both miserable and all she does is cry!! WHY IS SHE WITH HIM??? She is 50 and afraid she won't find anyone else! WHOA! Lady your nuts and you will find someone eventually why be miserable? Why are you afraid of divorce. My generation marries and divorces as though the vow meant 5 years not till death do us part. My generation most people their parents got divorced but not their grandparents. My parents divorced THANK GOD! My parents love each other and are best friends. My mother's mother still loved my grandfather till the day he died even though he didn't treat her like a queen. Mi Tia Clara and mi Tio Ralphie are still together and happier then ever. Everytime I speak with them its as though they are newly weds. Then there is Mrs. Kalin <3 she has proven to show love as something that is ever lasting and as easy as making toast.
It saddens me to accept that Mr.Kalin has returned to god this week. I can't explain how empty it feels inside when you think about it. But it's a little easier knowing he was ready; and he lived a fullfilling life. Even if he was a cowboys fan ( yuck!) My dad always reminds me that as you get older you learn that you have it all. Mr. Kalin has a family that he created and they are all mini versions so there is no question that his legacy lives on. He will forever have us eating hot dogs and Len & joes pizza. NOT to mention we are all investing our money properly and don't worry I'll never pay $50 to park in NYC. He always said to keep climbing to the top of the corporate ladder and trust me I am working on it. Over the years he always took his time to listen to my work issues and guide me through them. He was always eager to hear about my travels or silly adventures. His tough old bird mind frame fit in perfect with my dad. Dad loved him and always talks about him. My mom feels like thats her father and well there is no describing the conversations him and his boys shared. But there is that damn word again LOVE and well it's no secret to the world how much Mrs.Kalin loves him and how devoted she was to him. I've written about her patience her ability to tend to him as though he was the only person in the room. But sometimes on these lonely friday nights I fall asleep thinking about how in 30 or 40 years Im going to smile that same smile to my husband ( if i ever find him). In a world where love is a word printed on tee shirts and billboards and people spell it LUV. It's sometimes hard to point out or figure out when it's the L-O-V-E kind. For me I don't question it I know what it feels like and what it looks like. I have had some amazing examples right in front of me. Besides love isn't just me loving a nice guy who wants to spend forever with me. Love is every Christimas Lyndsay and I raiding the cabinets for the snacks Mommy and Mrs. Kalin make us. Love is my dad coming to the house to see me even if he has a dizzy spell. Love is when Todd wipes moms forks clean and we all laugh cause we know he is going to do it. Love is when my brother tells me to shut up and listen. Love is when my mom hugs me so tight im gonna POP! Or when I'm leaving and i try to hug darryl and he tells me okay with the gay stuff. Love is when Wezzer eats ice cream with me on the couch till i fall asleep. and Love is defiantly when Jennuh shares the bed with me and my snoring.
At the end of the day I have more love and seen more examples in a weekend then people get in a life time. So sometimes on Friday nights I remember I don't need to be out on the scene surrounded by lames that I can look out my window and smile because I live in NYC and have an amazing view and a great job with awesome friends but above all I have a HUGE FAMILY that LOVES me and supports me. I also in turn try to do the same and support them and show them how much they all mean to me.
My heart goes out to Mrs. Kalin because I don't know the emotion she is feeling. I've had a broken heart for having loved the wrong one but never have i had the feeling she is feeling. But I know she can only smile for having been lucky enough in this world to have found a great man to share an amazing life with of patience,adventure,hard work and dedication in which they created amazing Children grandchildren and got some Puerto Rican all up in the family tree. Tonight I have no tears just memories of delightful moments passed and some day dreams of the memories to come. xoxox
LOVE your everywhere yet something that people act like its no where. I'm watching this show and the woman and her husband havn't been intimate in 2 years, they are both miserable and all she does is cry!! WHY IS SHE WITH HIM??? She is 50 and afraid she won't find anyone else! WHOA! Lady your nuts and you will find someone eventually why be miserable? Why are you afraid of divorce. My generation marries and divorces as though the vow meant 5 years not till death do us part. My generation most people their parents got divorced but not their grandparents. My parents divorced THANK GOD! My parents love each other and are best friends. My mother's mother still loved my grandfather till the day he died even though he didn't treat her like a queen. Mi Tia Clara and mi Tio Ralphie are still together and happier then ever. Everytime I speak with them its as though they are newly weds. Then there is Mrs. Kalin <3 she has proven to show love as something that is ever lasting and as easy as making toast.
It saddens me to accept that Mr.Kalin has returned to god this week. I can't explain how empty it feels inside when you think about it. But it's a little easier knowing he was ready; and he lived a fullfilling life. Even if he was a cowboys fan ( yuck!) My dad always reminds me that as you get older you learn that you have it all. Mr. Kalin has a family that he created and they are all mini versions so there is no question that his legacy lives on. He will forever have us eating hot dogs and Len & joes pizza. NOT to mention we are all investing our money properly and don't worry I'll never pay $50 to park in NYC. He always said to keep climbing to the top of the corporate ladder and trust me I am working on it. Over the years he always took his time to listen to my work issues and guide me through them. He was always eager to hear about my travels or silly adventures. His tough old bird mind frame fit in perfect with my dad. Dad loved him and always talks about him. My mom feels like thats her father and well there is no describing the conversations him and his boys shared. But there is that damn word again LOVE and well it's no secret to the world how much Mrs.Kalin loves him and how devoted she was to him. I've written about her patience her ability to tend to him as though he was the only person in the room. But sometimes on these lonely friday nights I fall asleep thinking about how in 30 or 40 years Im going to smile that same smile to my husband ( if i ever find him). In a world where love is a word printed on tee shirts and billboards and people spell it LUV. It's sometimes hard to point out or figure out when it's the L-O-V-E kind. For me I don't question it I know what it feels like and what it looks like. I have had some amazing examples right in front of me. Besides love isn't just me loving a nice guy who wants to spend forever with me. Love is every Christimas Lyndsay and I raiding the cabinets for the snacks Mommy and Mrs. Kalin make us. Love is my dad coming to the house to see me even if he has a dizzy spell. Love is when Todd wipes moms forks clean and we all laugh cause we know he is going to do it. Love is when my brother tells me to shut up and listen. Love is when my mom hugs me so tight im gonna POP! Or when I'm leaving and i try to hug darryl and he tells me okay with the gay stuff. Love is when Wezzer eats ice cream with me on the couch till i fall asleep. and Love is defiantly when Jennuh shares the bed with me and my snoring.
At the end of the day I have more love and seen more examples in a weekend then people get in a life time. So sometimes on Friday nights I remember I don't need to be out on the scene surrounded by lames that I can look out my window and smile because I live in NYC and have an amazing view and a great job with awesome friends but above all I have a HUGE FAMILY that LOVES me and supports me. I also in turn try to do the same and support them and show them how much they all mean to me.
My heart goes out to Mrs. Kalin because I don't know the emotion she is feeling. I've had a broken heart for having loved the wrong one but never have i had the feeling she is feeling. But I know she can only smile for having been lucky enough in this world to have found a great man to share an amazing life with of patience,adventure,hard work and dedication in which they created amazing Children grandchildren and got some Puerto Rican all up in the family tree. Tonight I have no tears just memories of delightful moments passed and some day dreams of the memories to come. xoxox
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
the cycle of life
I'm no longer an avid blogger as the twitter world and my journal now are home to my random and sparatic thoughts. But today right now my mind is racing beyond the 125 characters twitter gives you and my journal shouldn't be the only pages where todays thoughts end:
I want to stand on a mountain top and scream at god and ask him WHY?? No seriously why??? I am so confused in my old age by so many different things. Why are some girls so skinny and others fat... Why are some men raised gentleman and others not?? Why do some people get to enjoy life to the fullest and other spend it in struggle?? But above all why does life have to end?? My dad says its the cycle and the good lord givith and the the good lord take.
I'm 26 and until January the only heart ace I have ever felt is loosing a job, not getting accepted to the University of Tampa and over some stupid boys. But in January I experienced a whole new emotion when the lord took my Uncle back home. It was the first time I had lost anyone close to me and it was so impactful. It changed my family unit to add two more little brat blessings to my home. But it made me value the moments with them and my family even more. I call more I email more and i have even come to terms with things i never thought i would.
I want to stand on a mountain top and scream at god and ask him WHY?? No seriously why??? I am so confused in my old age by so many different things. Why are some girls so skinny and others fat... Why are some men raised gentleman and others not?? Why do some people get to enjoy life to the fullest and other spend it in struggle?? But above all why does life have to end?? My dad says its the cycle and the good lord givith and the the good lord take.
I'm 26 and until January the only heart ace I have ever felt is loosing a job, not getting accepted to the University of Tampa and over some stupid boys. But in January I experienced a whole new emotion when the lord took my Uncle back home. It was the first time I had lost anyone close to me and it was so impactful. It changed my family unit to add two more little brat blessings to my home. But it made me value the moments with them and my family even more. I call more I email more and i have even come to terms with things i never thought i would.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
It's magical and glistens the same way the sun glistens on ur skin covered in tanning oil on the beach . It's sparkles they way my eyes sparkle when I look at him . In facts it's as sweet and innocent as I feel around him. The fluffy texture and cold touch often compare to feelings as well. When the snow falls these days the city skips a beat. As the street are covered in the parklie powder everything shuts down. The mess that occurs simaltaniosly as it falls takes nothing Away from the magical feeling when it begins to deemed from the skies above. The element are a true wonder they are nearly unpredictable and even though often times we pray for their arrival we are more satisfied apon their departure. Mixed feelings seem to be whT I'm comprised of since 1 minute he fills me with joy but then I come back down to reality take a step back and remember it's like the snow fall cute in the start but no real drive to get going at the end
Great night great company and a nice walk home in the snow untouched
Great night great company and a nice walk home in the snow untouched
Friday, January 7, 2011
Good times
It's tough when u get so use to a certain lifestyle to get acclimated to something new. But what if the something new is ur dream?? My dream was to be here in NYC and to continue my path to success. My success path was always about work and bringing on the bacon to a family I assumed would just occur. Never in my timeline did I leave space to find mr right lol. I'm not "looking" now bit I wouldn't mind if he showed up soon . Single in new York is about as common as bagel trucks in the morning everywhere! But what keeps me okay with single in knowing I've got real friends whom I love being around so single ain't bad as long as u have alternative company
Sunday, January 2, 2011
It's crazy how emotions are uncontrollable and how intense you can feel. It doesn't matter if it's love toward someone or the way you feel about work or maybe just a situation. Emotions run right through you and some you can't even control. I can't help I love the way he smells and I can't help that his smile will always make me weak in the knees. Its an amazing feeling that a friend can hug your problems away. everytime I smell certain detergent it reminds me of brooklyn and puerto Rico . I can't even describe the warm and free sensation I feel when sunlight touches my skin. I hate the time of the month when water falls through my eyes. I do know I love when he calls me helenas :) I'm just a girl in the world filled with emotion and energy to share . My moms cupcakes me me smile and my dads laugh is contagious. I know I love the way the ocean meets the surface and how when the waves crash it's as though they drag your problems off to sea and u can be free. The nervous feeling I get around him and how I turn into a little school girl makes me Smh. At night I lay in bed and listen to the cars drive over the bridge and watch the sunset over NYC from my window. It's all so surreal to me that I'm here and this is my amazing life Im not a movie star or model and well a singing career wouldn't ever happen either. But my dreams to be surrounded by people I love has come true. Nope I'm not married and maybe he doesn't smile the same way when he sees me . But I have way more then 1 girl might get in a life time ! I'm successful have a huge!!! Amazing family I'm a dreamer and although I believe in fairy tales I know the reality. 2011 is all me baby and my emotions my wonderful feelings
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