keeping it in your pants

There isn't a time line for pain and there doesn't seem to be a guide line for how long something should hurt for. When is it time to get over something? Are there things we will never get over? What happens when your past is in your face? what happens when that past is on your camera and you never knew it was there following you around??

My poor friend is heart broken this evening finding out her ex boy friend cheated on her... As if the breakup wasn't dramatic enough since he became a pure usless douchbag ! NO REALLY he was useless and a douche bag and she was carrying him through life walking him off the ledge. Come to find out he was hooking up with some trashy strippers esk bad boob job ed hardy wearing picture taking freak of nature!

My poor friend found these disgusting photos on a camera she found in her car a long time ago and they surfaced terriable pain. She had been cheated on and never known. I guess the old saying its better you don't know holds true. She was fine thinking he was a shitty guy and they broke up. BUT THINGS CHANGE when you get cheated on!

now shes sitting in her fabulous NYC apt and her amazing neighbor is trying to make it better but what an ass.

and with the amount of friends I have that have been cheated on it truly makes me question if monagamy exists anymore. Is it possiable for men in their 20" and 30's to keep it in their pants?

days off

Oh my days off I cherish them! Some times i Travel abroad LOL some days I like to go home to my country house in Milfrod and see the family or hop the train/bus situation to a neighboring friend. i don't really stay put in NYC. I really need to work on that. I complain about $$ and how salle mae is stealing all mine but I of course in looking at my bank statment can sum up where it goes:

Mani & pedi
Summer time Bikini wax

I took a trip to Long Branch with Emaly to go to the beach: This was no small trip train ticket to and from Emalys, helped pay for gas, breakfast, sushi lunch, THEY CHARGE TO GET ON THE BEACH $5( !!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT ( see miami got one up on the northeast)

Birthday Dinner party:

Train stopped working because of the heat wave cab ride up and cab ride back at 1 am ( heels and tiny outfits don't mix with the train at night)
Dinner drinks $50 per person. The highlight was however her $500 Queen of hearts Birthday cake of chocolate goodness!!!

So 2 days off equals all my spenidng money!!! Its time I start exploring the cheaper things in nyc i think. But its good to splurge every now and again!

i trying to explain it

in this life there are sooo many i mean countless moments that you can't explain!! an enorumous amount of feels that play into the countless moments that we can't explain!!! The thing is we can sit around trying to explain them because then we miss out on living them. Many of those moments we want to erase and change and others we want to cherish and roll around in the smell of them forever.

We always make it seem like if we can explain them we will understand them more. As though if unexplainable moments explained will bring some new feeling of content of accomplishment to a situation. what happens is we get lost and wrapped up trying to explain some moments and miss our on the actual moment.

there are so many feelings that you can explain like trust and the feeling of safe. You have it with some ppl and with others the chemistry just doens't exist and you can try and try but you just can't create it. The feeling of joy is created from within and then bubbles to the surface. The feeling of anger is generally mustered from the outside then you explode from the inside out. the confusing emotion for most is the dscontentment you feel with certian situations. when you can't explain the way you feel good bad or indifferent. thats when the frustration occurs and thats when things get all nutty. When you start to feel like you are losing your control or the balance is gone because it was unexplainable. or maybe it is explainable but in your world you can't or wont or don't want to explain the feeling aloud. are we not explaining it because we are trying and we can't or can we and we just don't want to? What to do with these mixed emotions.

i just sleep on them and wait for another moment when someone glances in your eyes with that warm sloshy feeling.... wait for a random thank you a smile from a stranger... i wait for the unexplainable chemistry force between someone that for a moment sweeps me off my feet even if they don't know it. for now while I can't explain ill dream because I don't need to explain the dreams.

The lessons we have learned. Emily living here in New York is great for me! Ive known her since we were in the 6th grade and just have a great time together. It's also so nice to experience this difficult city with as many people around you in the same boat! But since I've know her longer then anyone else here its amazing to see how she has grown into a beautiful young woman! WE DID IT!!! we said we were gonna live here and we are doing it!!!

I just wish I knew what I wanted next???? Why is 25 this hump of confusion? Angie has helped me a guided me through this city and got me here. But now her and her family are thinking about moving. That's not something I want but I love that she knows what she wants next now. I need to get to that place. So its time for some more searching. For right now my next dream is to not shop save my pennies and take time to just travel more of south America! Costa Rica Peru all of it! let mee what happens next