Thursday, June 14, 2012
in the moment
There comes that point when you just aren't scared. When you just wake up with a smile and you have accepted your surroundings. But you aren't settling you have accepted that the universe is providing you with just what you need.
That the universe is making you stronger with your choices and more confident and that the people you have surrounded yourself with push you to do more. That the people around you make you feel better about yourself everyday.
We always will want more its human nature but you have to just smile sometimes and look around at the blessings you have an just know in this moment that you are being provided with everything you need for the moment.
The moment that you feel something is missing is the moment you need to seek more and that should continue to be the case. But don't forget the enjoy the moments the smiles the sunshine and those seconds that it feels like time has stood still because you can look in the mirror smile and say have a sigh of relief that the world is on your side.
even in the worst case scenarios its important to stop and just revisit them as a small challenge. Because in the grand scheme of things change is inevitable and a way of life but if you can find more positive then negative then those small changes will continue topropel you forward.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Its been forever since ive blogged but nothing changes life goes on. We work, we pay bills we pray for success love and find time for smiles and self fulfillment. BUT nothing changes; we start to go through the motions and really start to wonder where it all leads. In life we get to make our own choices they say. What path you take blue collar or white. They say that we have the keys to our own destiny based off of the persistance and self motivation you have. But if that really true? Motive is create for us the idea of not failing by society's standards and the idea of what success is measured by in america seems as tho its pre determined for us.
Life ends and you never know when your going to go... you just pray that you get to enjoy the ride while you can. Well ladies and gentleman strap up your seatbelts because for some its a little bit more bumpy then others. WHY?? How come it starts to feel like we don't control our own choices? That its already mapped out for us.
in sex and the city she once plagued us with the question do you maybe not get it all? what happens if your living in your dream with great friends and supportive family and an awesome career path. Does love not happen for you? If you fall in love does that mean you focus on family and you forget about your friends and only have time for work and kids? Do you ever focus so much on work that there isn't time for love and friends? How do you fall in love with no friends?
the questions always remain a mystery and the greatest mystery is trying to figure out what will fullfill your life. Who chooses that? seems like you don't if you long for the things you don't have. if your always working to provide and forget to live life... what about if your so busy living your life you forget to invite someone else in???
what about the bad choices we making thinking about ourselves and those choices are fullfilling to us and we say FUCK everyone else? what about those choices? what about when you put everyone else first and they forget that you need encouragement and have feelings and thoughts and you can hurt and need someone to support your choices??
choices... life.... love.... pain.... fullfillment... decisions....family.... career.....
who decides??? how will you decide
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
damn time flies... its seems like just yesterday I was giggling in the kitchen with Lyndsay eating all the food in my parents cabinets. Now shes married with a house dogs and im living this amazing single in NYC life. We have been sooo blessed in our lives with our friendship and the way we grew up. Its crazy how time flies though. I've always loved about Lyndsay how she does everything out of the goodness of her heart. never for a response from anyone or to be the king. She just puts other people first. Its just insance how time is cruising I barley ever know what day it is and I am now starting to forget how old i am when i tell people. Is it bad i still accidently tell them 24??
its important we celebrate life and the people around us. That we celebrate and remind them how important they are in our lives. it's true when they say you never know when your going to go. It's important we don't sweat the little things and that we focus on loving each other for better or worse. Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect infact its the dwelling on other peoples mistakes that hurts worse and makes you feel worse inside then the moment you forgive and move on. 2011 was about really living life and learning to appretiate it. 2012 will be a continuation and the challange will be finding ways to remind everyone of those things.
dont sweat the small stuff people make mistakes they forget they get caught up people are capable of forgiving and continuing to love
its important we celebrate life and the people around us. That we celebrate and remind them how important they are in our lives. it's true when they say you never know when your going to go. It's important we don't sweat the little things and that we focus on loving each other for better or worse. Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect infact its the dwelling on other peoples mistakes that hurts worse and makes you feel worse inside then the moment you forgive and move on. 2011 was about really living life and learning to appretiate it. 2012 will be a continuation and the challange will be finding ways to remind everyone of those things.
dont sweat the small stuff people make mistakes they forget they get caught up people are capable of forgiving and continuing to love
Friday, September 23, 2011
2 men
this year has been the year of losses... its been sad yet grateful i survived in the world to age 26 before i felt the pain of loss... is that true though? i had lost before not by death but an equal heart-ache. My brother wasn't always around and we weren't always close that in itself was a crime. My uncle whom had watched me from birth and had relished the joy of watching me grow i dismissed at the idea of not growing as a man. Until this year....
this year has brought pain and challenge to my heart and soul but above all has taught be to heal and accept through actions.
Puerto Rico this year was different then any other. Not because of the excursions and adventures of exploring the island but because i explored the island with my loved ones whom not only loved me but loved themselves enough to change for the better.
My brother has continued to grow into a man i can respect and turn to. One vivid memory plays over and over in my head watching my brother calmy and patiently walk my aunt to the car place her in the seat and shut the door. he walked at her pace he moved when she moved. He didn't even so much as look around to be in a rush; he took his time because he wanted to. That was just one display he showed of having matured into a beautiful young man. His energy was positive, his attitude excited and ready for adventure and his heart open as his mind to soak up the traditions and heritage we ever so long to learn about. My brother showed he was a man. He showed me that the years i longed for are present that he was my friend, my companion and my supporter. He turned to me a told me he was happy and grateful i afforded him the opportunity to come and i hope he knows when i looked into his eyes i read his soul. I read his love and that was thanks enough for me..... It was what all 3 of my parents would want and it was what the 2 of us needed for ourselves no one else.i could write about him forever but i will hold off as im sure nhe will continue to amaze me in life...
I have to admit the experience with my uncle was equally as dynamic and earth shattering. That a man in his 40s could be reborn. This was a man i initially didn't invite but one whom placed the tone on how i will continue to explore through life. My uncle faced his problem head on with his head and his heart and he took only him self and his addiction as a prisoner. He relished in the idea of gaining his life back and well he did just that. He experienced puerto Rico in a fashion he never had. He shared that new born exploration with the kids he watched grow up. With the children he longed to have their acceptance and well he received it.
They say people want sons because there is no greater joy then watching him become a man. A man though isn't an action you achieve by birth, its often a word to describe the gender of male and that's wrong, A man is a male whom is motivated and a male whom can grow and achieve greatness. Being a man isn't something your born its something you grow into. For me I lost 2 men this year and watch 2 males become men in front of me. And although my brother and my uncle may have displayed these common acts in front of others to me to watch these displays of affection and the feel the love was maybe something that hit me like a punch from lenox lewis.
i look forward to growing these memories
this year has brought pain and challenge to my heart and soul but above all has taught be to heal and accept through actions.
Puerto Rico this year was different then any other. Not because of the excursions and adventures of exploring the island but because i explored the island with my loved ones whom not only loved me but loved themselves enough to change for the better.
My brother has continued to grow into a man i can respect and turn to. One vivid memory plays over and over in my head watching my brother calmy and patiently walk my aunt to the car place her in the seat and shut the door. he walked at her pace he moved when she moved. He didn't even so much as look around to be in a rush; he took his time because he wanted to. That was just one display he showed of having matured into a beautiful young man. His energy was positive, his attitude excited and ready for adventure and his heart open as his mind to soak up the traditions and heritage we ever so long to learn about. My brother showed he was a man. He showed me that the years i longed for are present that he was my friend, my companion and my supporter. He turned to me a told me he was happy and grateful i afforded him the opportunity to come and i hope he knows when i looked into his eyes i read his soul. I read his love and that was thanks enough for me..... It was what all 3 of my parents would want and it was what the 2 of us needed for ourselves no one else.i could write about him forever but i will hold off as im sure nhe will continue to amaze me in life...
I have to admit the experience with my uncle was equally as dynamic and earth shattering. That a man in his 40s could be reborn. This was a man i initially didn't invite but one whom placed the tone on how i will continue to explore through life. My uncle faced his problem head on with his head and his heart and he took only him self and his addiction as a prisoner. He relished in the idea of gaining his life back and well he did just that. He experienced puerto Rico in a fashion he never had. He shared that new born exploration with the kids he watched grow up. With the children he longed to have their acceptance and well he received it.
They say people want sons because there is no greater joy then watching him become a man. A man though isn't an action you achieve by birth, its often a word to describe the gender of male and that's wrong, A man is a male whom is motivated and a male whom can grow and achieve greatness. Being a man isn't something your born its something you grow into. For me I lost 2 men this year and watch 2 males become men in front of me. And although my brother and my uncle may have displayed these common acts in front of others to me to watch these displays of affection and the feel the love was maybe something that hit me like a punch from lenox lewis.
i look forward to growing these memories
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
preperations
you can only prepare your mind heart body and soul for so much in life. You prepare your mind for work or school by studying and reading, prepare for sports with practice and you prepare your soul for good by treating people the way you want to be treated. Can you truly prepare your HEART??
When you get stuck by cupid and fall in LOVE you never are aware who that person is going to be or when its going to happen thats why they say don't look for it. When your on a witch hunt for love you come up as short as looking for a tear drop in the ocean...... When heart break comes it hits you like a brick wall you didn't see in front of you. There isn't a way to prepare for the burning sensation in your stomach or the empty pit in your chest. Heart ache just BURNSSS and when you think about it your chest goes up in flames as though to add gasonline to a fire.... Can you prepare for Love to end???
They say life ends loving doesn't and thats oh so very true but does the broken heart sting less if you were prepared? I'm going to say YES... because I want to believe YES so i am putting the energy in the atmosphere to be YES!! This week has been a tough one lots of changes with the passing of Mr. Kalin but one thing that hasn't changed is how devoted to him Mrs. Kalin has been... I keep writing about it but its surrounding me. In a time where i question true love and emortal happiness she keeps proving to me it exists. they reached 50 years Lyndsay hopes her and Chris go all 50 I know they will. Love is a funny emotion and the heart is a sensative organ. Love is hard and rock solid and a heart if fragil and tempermental. But newlyweds or the tenured have a glow about them when its real. Because when its real its neverending..... Mrs. Kalin kept every promise and granted every wish honnoring ever last vow just the way Lyndsay will and one day i will... the same goes for those who dont put the vows on paper.. Cause Mom and Darryl they have that rock hard love the heavy metal kind i guess mixed with salsa.
Mrs. Kalin has smiled every day and for every tear she shed she has smiled again showing that the love doesn't end.. the pain burns and its empty but she is filled with memories and surrounded by people that love her. She had a fullfilling marriage and met the man she spent forever with in highschool and they watched each other grow up.. Not many people can say that.. I sure no i won't but No matter when you meet your macth the important thing is to know that growing old together is compromise and love is sacrafice and is never ending..... xoxox
When you get stuck by cupid and fall in LOVE you never are aware who that person is going to be or when its going to happen thats why they say don't look for it. When your on a witch hunt for love you come up as short as looking for a tear drop in the ocean...... When heart break comes it hits you like a brick wall you didn't see in front of you. There isn't a way to prepare for the burning sensation in your stomach or the empty pit in your chest. Heart ache just BURNSSS and when you think about it your chest goes up in flames as though to add gasonline to a fire.... Can you prepare for Love to end???
They say life ends loving doesn't and thats oh so very true but does the broken heart sting less if you were prepared? I'm going to say YES... because I want to believe YES so i am putting the energy in the atmosphere to be YES!! This week has been a tough one lots of changes with the passing of Mr. Kalin but one thing that hasn't changed is how devoted to him Mrs. Kalin has been... I keep writing about it but its surrounding me. In a time where i question true love and emortal happiness she keeps proving to me it exists. they reached 50 years Lyndsay hopes her and Chris go all 50 I know they will. Love is a funny emotion and the heart is a sensative organ. Love is hard and rock solid and a heart if fragil and tempermental. But newlyweds or the tenured have a glow about them when its real. Because when its real its neverending..... Mrs. Kalin kept every promise and granted every wish honnoring ever last vow just the way Lyndsay will and one day i will... the same goes for those who dont put the vows on paper.. Cause Mom and Darryl they have that rock hard love the heavy metal kind i guess mixed with salsa.
Mrs. Kalin has smiled every day and for every tear she shed she has smiled again showing that the love doesn't end.. the pain burns and its empty but she is filled with memories and surrounded by people that love her. She had a fullfilling marriage and met the man she spent forever with in highschool and they watched each other grow up.. Not many people can say that.. I sure no i won't but No matter when you meet your macth the important thing is to know that growing old together is compromise and love is sacrafice and is never ending..... xoxox
Friday, June 3, 2011
there is that word again
Im back again with more thoughts i didn't really complete my thoughts the other night and now after watching oddly enough some reality tv some more emotions have surfaced. I should preface this with it's a friday night with perfect weather in NYC and yeah I'm home blogging watching my DVR... i am NOT WINNING! This is a tough city to be single in especially if your living on a budget and well student loans and vacationing are my passion so I spend extra nights at home to spend extra nights on beaches.
LOVE your everywhere yet something that people act like its no where. I'm watching this show and the woman and her husband havn't been intimate in 2 years, they are both miserable and all she does is cry!! WHY IS SHE WITH HIM??? She is 50 and afraid she won't find anyone else! WHOA! Lady your nuts and you will find someone eventually why be miserable? Why are you afraid of divorce. My generation marries and divorces as though the vow meant 5 years not till death do us part. My generation most people their parents got divorced but not their grandparents. My parents divorced THANK GOD! My parents love each other and are best friends. My mother's mother still loved my grandfather till the day he died even though he didn't treat her like a queen. Mi Tia Clara and mi Tio Ralphie are still together and happier then ever. Everytime I speak with them its as though they are newly weds. Then there is Mrs. Kalin <3 she has proven to show love as something that is ever lasting and as easy as making toast.
It saddens me to accept that Mr.Kalin has returned to god this week. I can't explain how empty it feels inside when you think about it. But it's a little easier knowing he was ready; and he lived a fullfilling life. Even if he was a cowboys fan ( yuck!) My dad always reminds me that as you get older you learn that you have it all. Mr. Kalin has a family that he created and they are all mini versions so there is no question that his legacy lives on. He will forever have us eating hot dogs and Len & joes pizza. NOT to mention we are all investing our money properly and don't worry I'll never pay $50 to park in NYC. He always said to keep climbing to the top of the corporate ladder and trust me I am working on it. Over the years he always took his time to listen to my work issues and guide me through them. He was always eager to hear about my travels or silly adventures. His tough old bird mind frame fit in perfect with my dad. Dad loved him and always talks about him. My mom feels like thats her father and well there is no describing the conversations him and his boys shared. But there is that damn word again LOVE and well it's no secret to the world how much Mrs.Kalin loves him and how devoted she was to him. I've written about her patience her ability to tend to him as though he was the only person in the room. But sometimes on these lonely friday nights I fall asleep thinking about how in 30 or 40 years Im going to smile that same smile to my husband ( if i ever find him). In a world where love is a word printed on tee shirts and billboards and people spell it LUV. It's sometimes hard to point out or figure out when it's the L-O-V-E kind. For me I don't question it I know what it feels like and what it looks like. I have had some amazing examples right in front of me. Besides love isn't just me loving a nice guy who wants to spend forever with me. Love is every Christimas Lyndsay and I raiding the cabinets for the snacks Mommy and Mrs. Kalin make us. Love is my dad coming to the house to see me even if he has a dizzy spell. Love is when Todd wipes moms forks clean and we all laugh cause we know he is going to do it. Love is when my brother tells me to shut up and listen. Love is when my mom hugs me so tight im gonna POP! Or when I'm leaving and i try to hug darryl and he tells me okay with the gay stuff. Love is when Wezzer eats ice cream with me on the couch till i fall asleep. and Love is defiantly when Jennuh shares the bed with me and my snoring.
At the end of the day I have more love and seen more examples in a weekend then people get in a life time. So sometimes on Friday nights I remember I don't need to be out on the scene surrounded by lames that I can look out my window and smile because I live in NYC and have an amazing view and a great job with awesome friends but above all I have a HUGE FAMILY that LOVES me and supports me. I also in turn try to do the same and support them and show them how much they all mean to me.
My heart goes out to Mrs. Kalin because I don't know the emotion she is feeling. I've had a broken heart for having loved the wrong one but never have i had the feeling she is feeling. But I know she can only smile for having been lucky enough in this world to have found a great man to share an amazing life with of patience,adventure,hard work and dedication in which they created amazing Children grandchildren and got some Puerto Rican all up in the family tree. Tonight I have no tears just memories of delightful moments passed and some day dreams of the memories to come. xoxox
LOVE your everywhere yet something that people act like its no where. I'm watching this show and the woman and her husband havn't been intimate in 2 years, they are both miserable and all she does is cry!! WHY IS SHE WITH HIM??? She is 50 and afraid she won't find anyone else! WHOA! Lady your nuts and you will find someone eventually why be miserable? Why are you afraid of divorce. My generation marries and divorces as though the vow meant 5 years not till death do us part. My generation most people their parents got divorced but not their grandparents. My parents divorced THANK GOD! My parents love each other and are best friends. My mother's mother still loved my grandfather till the day he died even though he didn't treat her like a queen. Mi Tia Clara and mi Tio Ralphie are still together and happier then ever. Everytime I speak with them its as though they are newly weds. Then there is Mrs. Kalin <3 she has proven to show love as something that is ever lasting and as easy as making toast.
It saddens me to accept that Mr.Kalin has returned to god this week. I can't explain how empty it feels inside when you think about it. But it's a little easier knowing he was ready; and he lived a fullfilling life. Even if he was a cowboys fan ( yuck!) My dad always reminds me that as you get older you learn that you have it all. Mr. Kalin has a family that he created and they are all mini versions so there is no question that his legacy lives on. He will forever have us eating hot dogs and Len & joes pizza. NOT to mention we are all investing our money properly and don't worry I'll never pay $50 to park in NYC. He always said to keep climbing to the top of the corporate ladder and trust me I am working on it. Over the years he always took his time to listen to my work issues and guide me through them. He was always eager to hear about my travels or silly adventures. His tough old bird mind frame fit in perfect with my dad. Dad loved him and always talks about him. My mom feels like thats her father and well there is no describing the conversations him and his boys shared. But there is that damn word again LOVE and well it's no secret to the world how much Mrs.Kalin loves him and how devoted she was to him. I've written about her patience her ability to tend to him as though he was the only person in the room. But sometimes on these lonely friday nights I fall asleep thinking about how in 30 or 40 years Im going to smile that same smile to my husband ( if i ever find him). In a world where love is a word printed on tee shirts and billboards and people spell it LUV. It's sometimes hard to point out or figure out when it's the L-O-V-E kind. For me I don't question it I know what it feels like and what it looks like. I have had some amazing examples right in front of me. Besides love isn't just me loving a nice guy who wants to spend forever with me. Love is every Christimas Lyndsay and I raiding the cabinets for the snacks Mommy and Mrs. Kalin make us. Love is my dad coming to the house to see me even if he has a dizzy spell. Love is when Todd wipes moms forks clean and we all laugh cause we know he is going to do it. Love is when my brother tells me to shut up and listen. Love is when my mom hugs me so tight im gonna POP! Or when I'm leaving and i try to hug darryl and he tells me okay with the gay stuff. Love is when Wezzer eats ice cream with me on the couch till i fall asleep. and Love is defiantly when Jennuh shares the bed with me and my snoring.
At the end of the day I have more love and seen more examples in a weekend then people get in a life time. So sometimes on Friday nights I remember I don't need to be out on the scene surrounded by lames that I can look out my window and smile because I live in NYC and have an amazing view and a great job with awesome friends but above all I have a HUGE FAMILY that LOVES me and supports me. I also in turn try to do the same and support them and show them how much they all mean to me.
My heart goes out to Mrs. Kalin because I don't know the emotion she is feeling. I've had a broken heart for having loved the wrong one but never have i had the feeling she is feeling. But I know she can only smile for having been lucky enough in this world to have found a great man to share an amazing life with of patience,adventure,hard work and dedication in which they created amazing Children grandchildren and got some Puerto Rican all up in the family tree. Tonight I have no tears just memories of delightful moments passed and some day dreams of the memories to come. xoxox
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
the cycle of life
I'm no longer an avid blogger as the twitter world and my journal now are home to my random and sparatic thoughts. But today right now my mind is racing beyond the 125 characters twitter gives you and my journal shouldn't be the only pages where todays thoughts end:
I want to stand on a mountain top and scream at god and ask him WHY?? No seriously why??? I am so confused in my old age by so many different things. Why are some girls so skinny and others fat... Why are some men raised gentleman and others not?? Why do some people get to enjoy life to the fullest and other spend it in struggle?? But above all why does life have to end?? My dad says its the cycle and the good lord givith and the the good lord take.
I'm 26 and until January the only heart ace I have ever felt is loosing a job, not getting accepted to the University of Tampa and over some stupid boys. But in January I experienced a whole new emotion when the lord took my Uncle back home. It was the first time I had lost anyone close to me and it was so impactful. It changed my family unit to add two more little brat blessings to my home. But it made me value the moments with them and my family even more. I call more I email more and i have even come to terms with things i never thought i would.
I want to stand on a mountain top and scream at god and ask him WHY?? No seriously why??? I am so confused in my old age by so many different things. Why are some girls so skinny and others fat... Why are some men raised gentleman and others not?? Why do some people get to enjoy life to the fullest and other spend it in struggle?? But above all why does life have to end?? My dad says its the cycle and the good lord givith and the the good lord take.
I'm 26 and until January the only heart ace I have ever felt is loosing a job, not getting accepted to the University of Tampa and over some stupid boys. But in January I experienced a whole new emotion when the lord took my Uncle back home. It was the first time I had lost anyone close to me and it was so impactful. It changed my family unit to add two more little brat blessings to my home. But it made me value the moments with them and my family even more. I call more I email more and i have even come to terms with things i never thought i would.
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